busy

that's no excuse but there have indeed been many distractions in the past month.

the return of OITNB.

like falling in love with bean, our foster dog.

laying around in new bathing suits waiting for a streak of hot enough weather to frolic.

Eating carbs.

i sorta want to get the diagram of the biscuit belly popping out of the can tattooed on my forearm.

cutting all my hair off.

i often forget i have this tattoo.

there's work. new projects abound. 

there's PT. i'm back in physical therapy for my knee because i just don't want to live my life in 1 mile increments. the new ritual is doing my PT exercises on the daily while watching episodes of American Ninja Warrior.  

don't ask. i don't know why.

there's finding myself back to an almost regular workout schedule which includes no longer includes self loathing if i do not stick to the schedule.

there's no longer feeling like a failure because i've lost some gains and am not lifting as heavy as i used to.

there's no longer feeling like being the slowest, gimpiest, limpiest person is a bad thing.

it's a no thing.

because no one cares how slow i am. so i shouldn't care.

there is still this underlying fluttering feeling of anxiety when faced with a food decision. the conversations i need to have with myself on what to eat are ridiculous.  removing the weight and meaning i've given to certain foods seems to take forever to recover from. i have to stop myself from labeling things as good and bad.  it's all just food.

that's taking more work than anything else really.

i've been filling my days with life stuffs which include long bouts of nothing, napping and listening to podcasts. once in awhile i'll feel like maybe i'm missing out on something exciting that might be happening outside my front door but that one is much easier to let go of. i'm good at that part of self care. the part that includes blankets and sleeping puppies and hibernation.

in other news, i'm going to bali in november.

ubud here i come.