i hate this photo of me.

i look like a tube of a person, one uniform large shape with no defined curves.

i think about how this could be alleviated if i had my boobs back.

i had breast reduction surgery in 2013 and for the most part i don't regret it.  i can't imagine anyone who has lived with a set of 36Gs regretting it.

sure i had cheyenne gil take awesome photos of me and it helped me really see what i look like but everyday iphone selfies i see what i look like and i still cannot feel any compassion towards myself. 

sure you have biceps but they're buried in your fat.

the double chin is back in effect.

good luck fitting into half the winter clothes you wore last year.

i am no holds barred a super mean girl.  to myself. it's uncomfortable. it's so familiar to be this cruel to myself but it's awful because...

i really don't want to be mean to myself for the rest of my life.

i got into it online with an old college friend and a part of me feels like i really should have just let it be and not have engaged with him about weight being an indicator of health.  it just really stirred up everything i've been going through recently and i'm completely over this idea that your weight dictates your health.  i wanted to use myself as an example and i put it all out there, my past weights, my struggles to attain "not obese" status when i was working out more than anyone else i knew. all this past behavior that i have very conflicting emotions about. i'm not proud of the fact that i was pushing myself as much as i was. everyone else was. i wasn't.

but hey, health - right?

he didn't get it and i really wished he took a moment to really look at this information and say "hey, maybe there is something to this health at every size thing." 

but he didn't.

and i put the kibosh on it because it's probably not best to get into an argument online with a lawyer who thinks that celebrating body diversity is glorifying something unhealthy.

he's not a bad guy.  he's actually a really great guy that i remember having really awesome conversations with in college. i just think this "radical" idea that we're going about the whole "war on obesity" in a harmful damaging way is too outside of the box for a lot of people.

americans. we really love asking people to shape up or ship out. 

the world is not a compassionate or understanding place for larger bodied people. for fat people. whatever term you want to use (since so many people still have a stigma about the word fat). 

the larger you are the higher expectation there is to perform healthy behaviors to prove to people you are worthy.  the more pressure you may put on yourself to perform "health" just so you can be accepted.

the fact that people push back against body diversity or seeing different sized bodies must mean something right? why does this make you uncomfortable? 

can you stop screaming "health! health! health!" long enough to ask yourself why this bugs you so much?

having a body that everyone else wants to have a say about is hard. 

with so much of this outside stuff coming at me attacking me i really need to figure out why i say the same cruel things to myself.  why does being kind to myself make me so uncomfortable?  why do i feel so unworthy?

after taking time off from the gym that first trip back is haaaard.  i did not want to get up this morning. the fact it was pitch black out when my alarm went off didn't help. the fact that i spent a good chunk of my monday knee deep in emotions about all of this crap didn't help. i had a hard time turning my brain off last night so it was no surprise that i did not want to get up.

i needed to get up though. i needed to move. my knees needed it.  on the cold rainy walk to the bus stop i gave myself permission to suck in class. it worked.  i went. i felt good about it. i'm not the only one who hates burpees and that always makes me feel better when  i hear the collective groan of everyone when they see it on the white board.

i'm still obsessive about my scheduling of workouts though. i book and cancel then re-book classes at lightening speed.  my need to have a schedule for myself when it comes to exercise is borderline ocd right now.  everything shifted since i cancelled monday so i went today but that means i need to cancel wednesday metcon which is fine but i should do something so hot yoga is a good replacement, right? i'll do that but then will i want to go to yoga thursday night?  should i book it to make it solid so i'll actually go? but then friday morning is core and mobility at the ass crack of dawn, will i be able to get up early if i yoga thursday night?  then i have powerlifting saturday, will i be recovered enough from friday to make saturday not suck so much?

this takes up entirely too much space in my brain. it's slightly better than yesterday's sadness. i cried a lot yesterday. everything kept spilling out of me and i couldn't stop. 

i have acupuncture today.  there must be a meridian for sadness right?