things i might be afraid to write about

that i’m scared that i’m selfish. that whatever good things i have in my life i didn’t earn. that i’ve worked hard but was only mediocre in a carer that ate up half my living years. that i care too much about the lives of make believe people and this is what happens when you grow up with too much reality tv masquerading as real life.

that i will never be cool enough.

that i care.

that i’m actually frightened of some of my friends. and that makes me a bad judge of character.

that the more i read about hand washing with soap for 20 seconds, avoiding public transportation and how to make your own purell the more i want to ride all the buses and hug all the people and rub my eyes and touch my face. that i’ve all but memorized my script about why i’m unemployed that includes a lot of possibly false information about going back to school, about becoming a doctor of pt, about becoming an acceptable version of success because it’s not ok to find success in fully realized rest or free time or day dreams or boredom. that you are only celebrated if you can work 80 hours a week while volunteering at a shelter, while holding down a daily meditation practice, while raising kids and recovering from trauma with a full schedule. that i will always think the impossible is real and if i’m not going for it, then i’m lazy. and the worst thing you can be today is fat and lazy. godforbid you be both.