“go back to where you came from.”

it’s not like any of this is new. it’s not like this hasn’t been said many times by many people to others who were actually born and raised here and honestly, it doesn’t matter if you were or not.

i have had to earn my right to exist for my entire life and i am fucking tired.

this has led to continuous burnout in various jobs, an eating disorder and the constant persistent fear that I am not ever doing enough.

that if i am not bleeding out every day of my life i haven’t earned my right be here. to exist. i can never just BE as i am. i must always be performing and improving and sweating to prove that i have worth. that i am good. that i can stay.

this, coupled with the myth of “bootstrapping” has led to chasing a forever moving finish line. that acceptance and love and safety are right there for the having if only i try hard enough.

and i was never trying hard enough.

because i couldn’t maintain an impossible schedule.

because i couldn’t maintain an impossible weight.

because i couldn’t perform at 110% 24 hours a day.

i took personal responsibility for failing to live up to an impossible standard.

i would never be thin enough, successful enough or white enough.

in my teens and well into my adulthood i always believed the idealized, perfect version of me was thin and white. and this is 100% soul crushing to admit this, to say it. it makes it all so real. this is not a mistake.

this is the end result of consuming so much media in the 80s that shaped these thoughts. to not see yourself reflected in the media and art creates this dysmorphia.

my entire life i have believed that acceptance, love and safety had to be earned and was never guaranteed.

even as a little kid.

i remember having a complete meltdown on the way home from school after seeing i got a C in a math class. it was unacceptable. that meant i was unacceptable.

love and acceptance and safety were things that could be taken away from me.

for a C.

in one math class.

living with this kind of heightened fear and anxiety day in and day out you get used to it. you start to believe it’s normal. you accept that life is meant to be this fraught.

this was always constantly running through me in the background of my everyday life.

so when I read yet another article or see another video of a white person telling someone to “go back to where you came from” i run through all these feelings and thoughts 100x over.
we cannot ever “perform” enough to earn our right to be here according to these people.

and while i think i’m generally an amicable person, everyday i have the thought:

”humans are simply burning piles of hot garbage.”

i don’t want to believe this but there’s just so much proof out there right now as people are emboldened to be hateful, to be self-centered, to be racist awful skinbags of literal trash.

and i don’t want to be nice anymore.

like, who the fuck hurt you?

but don’t answer that. i don’t care. i just want you to be less of a dick.

every spanish class the questions “what did you do this weekend” or “what are you going to do this upcoming weekend?” are asked.

i don’t have the vocabulary to say, “processing trauma. you know. the usual.”

so I just say

“nada”