last call for better days!

the email subject says. like better days are behind us. only bad or questionable days ahead! last call! closing up shop. play that bad song from the 90s, the one about the bar closing. you can’t stay here.

it’s october and while not much has changed that sort of says everything. my radar is broken. i’ve forgotten how to human. when you realize you might not be on the same page as the majority of people flying to various delayed vacations, hugging folks in the street and eating inside restaurants you start to come to the conclusion you might not have entered into this new agreement that everyone else has. once again, last to the party, standing outside on the front porch because you don’t think anyone has your best interests in mind.

I am several steps removed. I have to walk several blocks to the mailbox tomorrow and I’m terrified I won’t make it there and back. it’s mostly my right knee and my stiff hips. i’ve spent so much time lying supine. this i my new normal and i have fears that the old me is hovering around like a ghost judging me and calling me lazy. drugs have made life a little easier but zoloft hasn’t solved the ever present problem of anti-fatness. when laurie talks about putting skin in the game i wonder how much more skin i have left to shave off. most likely she’s not talking about me but all the leos in my chart tell me she is. for someone with so much leo in them i sure don’t like being the center of attention.

i have unresolved feelings about San Francisco that i’m still haunted by. six years later and i still haven’t forgiven the city but will go back and visit like an old ex i can never say no to. taking the 5 fulton to the closest edge of outer richmond at midnight to see someone who only loves me under certain conditions. who will spit me out the moment i am unpalatable. it’s familiar territory. the city doesn’t care that i have feelings about it.

portland doesn’t ask much of me. sometimes i don’t think it knows what to do with me and lately hasn’t had to worry about it because i’m not really leaving my house. it’s my preferred state of being really. who needs to leave the house when i’ve got 13 more Wheel of Time books to go through?

i pulled a tarot card today. the first in months. i think the first in 2021. listening to someone else read in class, i shuffled the deck, feeling called to do so because the deck had started to slump and slide to the right, like it was tired, like it was telling me something.

all signs point to this cosmic level-up. a mario mushroom. an extra life. i’m still unsure.

i have a tiny acorn jeff brought home to me from one of his dog walks several years ago. it hasn’t decayed or shown any signs of aging or decompose. when i’m anxious i hold it in my hand and try to remove it’s tiny hat. when the hat starts to move, like i might finally take it off, i put it back down. i don’t want to know what’s inside and i don’t want to destroy this thing that has helped ease some excess stuff inside of me.