this body has survived

 the awkward catholic school years.

too many family vacations.

summer school and learning how to ask for help (work in progress). 

countless letters from suicidal teens (remind me to tell you the story about an angsty letter i wrote that was published in Rock Scene magazine in the late 80s).

weird east coast shiny avocados

 6 years of veganism and 3 years of vegetarianism

losing a lot of weight. getting lots of praise.

like featured in a magazine kind of praise.

and gaining weight to deafening silence.

 documenting all changes and labeling these changes as good or bad. 

working myself to the bone in numerous spin/pilates/circuit/yoga classes. sometimes 2-3x in a day.

wedding dress insanity.

believing in this sentiment until recently.  (you know, healthy is the new healthy.  or healthy has always been the same healthy.)

too many stressful jobs that consumed my life.

 cutting my own bangs.

knee surgery

breast reduction surgery.

logging every single workout. logging every single thing i ate every day.

rewarding myself with food.  treating depression and stress with food. celebrating with food.

being strong.

feeling weak.

two piece bathing suits in public.

too many fitness challenges.

too many early mornings

having a partner and husband who is skinnier than I am.

writing a YA novel.

Despite all of this...

i need to remember i'm still here and i've got lots to be happy about.

like these guys.

so days where all i have the energy to do is this

i know they'll be there to take care of me and love me until i'm ready to love me again.